the end.

i have twelve bracelets of all different colors on my left wrist. one i had when i arrived in italy, and ten i have added in these six months since i left boise, idaho. they are the landmarks of the places i've been, the memories i have had. to me, they are like the notches in the doorway of a childhood home, marking how i've grown up. to date, i have a bracelet from slovenia, croatia, france, two from sardegna, two from torino, one from verona, two from italian friends, and one from aosta. on the outside, it just looks like a beautiful rainbow of thread ... it's the memories attached to each one that you don't see. the one i bought while with my Sardinian host sister on exchange week, the one that marks the visit of my best friend, the one i wished upon while my italian teacher tied it on my wrist, the ones i picked out on vacation with my family, the one from an extraordinary day with other AFSers. so much of this experience is on the inside ... what you don't see. i once told someone that if you looked at my everyday schedule as an exchange student, you might find it anticlimactic, maybe evern boring. that's because the biggest and most exciting changes have happened on the inside, not on the outside.

tomorrow i will take a 7:30 train to torino from aosta. i'll be leaving my home. here, i've grown up. it's seen me through good times and bad, and has become another place to call home. here, i have a life ... it may not be as normal as a regular italian teenager's or like my life in idaho, but it's a life. in 22 hours, i'll have to do what i did six months ago, half a world away: leave my home. i don't see this as an end, though, because as surely as i knew i'd be coming back to boise in july, i know i'll be back here one day. i'll visit my host family, try to look up old friends, hit up the english pub and familiar gelato spots. i was sad when i left boise, because i was leaving my home of 17 years for a place totally unknown. now, going back, i'm doing the same. my life in boise feels like a dream i've woken up from and no matter how hard i try to sleep, i can't remember what it was about.

when i go back, some people will only see the part of me that's changed on the outside ... maybe the fact that all this gelato has made me gain weight, my hair is longer, that i have new clothes and things i didn't have before. the true friends of mine (i think you know who you are) will go deeper ... realize how much i have changed on the inside as well. they'll talk to me and find out that my dreams and goals have changed, how i light up when i talk about my life here, how much i appreciate them ... how i don't take life for granted. they might not know what it is, but they'll realize that something about me is different ... apart from my shell. those are the friends i'm interested in keeping, that i've fought to keep contact with and who, when i go back, it'll feel natural to be around. they'll understand that when i'm moody, that i am missing maria or aosta. they'll understand that when i am restless, it's because my wanderlust has increased during these months and staying home doesn't seem like normal. they'll know that when i cry, it's not because i don't want to be in idaho with them, it's just because i am homesick. some of you will see that ... some of you won't.

i thought i'd come out of this experience knowing who i am. newsflash: i still don't. i'm a puzzle that the owner doesn't even know how to assemble, but experience by experience, try by try, i'm figuring out the pieces and putting them together. i've matured. i have a rough sketch of what i want to do with my life. i have a best friend who just happens to live half the way around the world, in Panama. i know how to function when i'm the odd one out. i can travel and handle myself in sticky situations. i can do things without the help of my parents or friends. i can depend on myself. i can work my ass off and achieve my goals. i can speak two languages. i can eat good things and not care about gaining weight. i can care more about what the inside looks like than the outside. i have something in common with over 200 other teenagers from all around the world. i can go to turkey, thailand, argentina, iceland, paraguay, finland, hong kong, and have places in which i am welcome. i can do so many things i couldn't do before.

it's funny. i was looking at pictures the other day of my first days in aosta. it was like looking at a stranger. i knew it was me and i don't look different, but i can't even remember who i was back then. i know it sounds corny and i'm rolling my eyes even writing it, but it is true. i think we all change, some in different ways than others. if you sat me down today and asked me to make a list of how i've changed as a person, i couldn't do it. i don't know how i've changed ... i just have. who i am seems natural now, and it's wierd to think that i was ever that other person.

so here we go, it's the end. there is so much i want to say, but not enough space. i don't see my departure from italy on sunday as an ending ... just the beginning of another experience, another way to change, adapt. italy and it's inhabitants and culture will always be in my heart, but there is more space to fill, and i feel like it is my duty to move on and let others have their go at living in aosta, italy. i'll come back, of course, but it will never feel the same after i have left, like boise won't feel the same when i return. here it is, guys, the end. not of this experience -- that i'll always carry with me -- but to this blog in italy. i'll update on what it is like to be home and such, but after that, i'm done. it's time to move on and know when to let go. i'm planning to do another exchange during university ... this time to india, thaliand, or china. if that happens i'll post a link on here. until then, i thank all of you. for the ones who have read every post, since the beginning. for the ones who have contacted me to let me know they are leaving for their own journeys soon. for the ones who are out there that haven't contacted me but like my blog anyways. thank you, all of you.

from idaho to italy ... from potatoes to pasta, searching for peace of mind. i've found it. i hope you do too.